Writing Subject Knowledge – Offering Improvement Advice

This piece is at the inventing stage of talk for writing and this child was intending to make the reader think that something bad was going to happen. 

Improvement advice could be about secretarial issues; word choice; or how effective it is.

What advice would you give?

At that moment, the door shudened.  The bolt rattled nearly about to break.  Lightning illuminated the door.  The Dursley’s were shaking with fear.  Harry hid in the alcove.  The door fell off its hinges.  They saw an imposing silohette standing in the doorway.  His figure was outlined by lightning.   He drew himself to full height his wild hair touching the top of the door.

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4 thoughts on “Writing Subject Knowledge – Offering Improvement Advice

  1. Nick H

    This certainly made me feel like something bad was going to happen – particularly how you developed the events slowly to let the reader imagine what could possibly be trying to get in.

    Each sentence does have the same rythmn though, and it almost sounds like a list of things happening. To make it sound better, either add detail to some of the sentences or join some sentences together with connectives. This will make the sentence patterns more varied.

    For example: Lightning illuminated the door, causing the Dursley’s to shake with fear.

    Reply
  2. Jo

    Wow, your writing made me worry for Harry! Who was this wild man at the door?
    You have shown that you have used the toolkit well and made the reader think something bad was going to happen by not telling me who the figure was. It made me really think about what or who it could have been.
    To improve further, I would like you to slow down the action and show the reader what is happening through the reactions of the characters. ‘The bolt rattled nearly about to break’ doesn’t sound quite right, what about ‘Almost at breaking point, the bolt strained against the pressure from the thunderous banging, would it hold?’

    Reply
  3. Pie Corbett

    You have really imagined the scene well. I could see it in my mind. You have some great word choices – rattled, illuminated, imposing silhouette, etc. Good detail too – wild hair.

    Try reading it aloud – what do you notice?

    To make your writing even more powerful, work on two things.

    a. Vary the openings to the sentences – try using connectives or ‘ed-ing-ly’.

    Fearfully, the Dursley’s shook.
    Crashing, the door fell off its hinges.

    b. Vary your sentence lengths. Try to save up the shorter sentence for drama and use some longer sentences as well. Sometimes this can just be done by using a comma, e.g.

    They saw an imposing silohette standing in the doorway, his figure was outlined by lightning.

    c. Try tightening the sentences, e.g.

    They saw an imposing silohette standing in the doorway. His figure was outlined by lightning.

    could become

    An imposing silohette stood in the doorway, his figure outlined by lightning.

    Reply
  4. Miss Edmunds

    Your writing is filled with suspense and created a feeling like something terrible was going to happen. To improve you could include a range of longer and shorter sentences, rather than only shorter sentences. This isn’t giving the right effect as it sounds more like a list. You have used vocabulary well to create images in the reader’s head. Well done.

    Reply

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